Phantomclause
by Phantomess of the Opera
Summary: The Phantomess that's me gets Erik to be a mall Santa for a day. Really cheesy ending, and some nice holiday phun.


Willkomen, bienvenue, welcome! To my holiday phic. I do not own Erik, and I most likely don't own anyone else in this phic, except for me (although the courts are still trying to determine that.) Anyhow, have fun and enjoy this, my gift, to you. (yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm cheap!)  
  
(As our story opens we are in a mall decked out for Christmas. It is just before opening. Erik and the Phantomess are in Santa's Villiage. Erik is dressed in a Santa suit and looking perturbed, and the Phantomess is in a cute little elf costume with jingle bells on her wrists and ankles and pointy ears she stole from her friend Ewok, who is a Star Trek nerd.)  
Erik: Explain to me again why we're here?  
Phantomess: Because it was either this or spend the holidays at my house with all my relatives while your house is being sprayed for rats?  
Erik: I'm starting to think your relatives aren't that bad.  
Phantomess: We'd have to babysit my counsin Jenny's kids.  
Erik: (shudder) Give me the candy canes!  
Phantomess: I thought so. (hands Erik a large green bag filled with candy canes for the little kids) Battle stations. I see the first waves of les enfants.  
Erik: (sighs) How long do we have to do this?  
Phantomess: Three hours....  
Erik: Mon dieu! (sits in the Santa chair.) OK, ok. I'm ready.  
(A long queue of screaming kids purs into line. The Phantomess ushers in the first kid and gets ready for the memorable holiday photo.)  
First kid: (who is a ten year old little boy. And a brat.) You're not Santa.  
Erik: Of course I'm Santa you little--(notices the kid's mom giving him a dirty look) Um, I mean, ho ho ho. Why certainly I'm Santa young man.  
First kid: No you aren't! You look like that guy from the Nightmare Before Christmas! MOM!  
Phantomess: (hurriedly shushing the kid out of Santa Villiage) C'mon kid. Santa's a busy man. Let's move!  
First kid: He ain't Santa! He's too skinny!  
Phantomess: He's on a diet, now get out!  
Erik: I am SO going to get you for this, Phantomess!  
Phantomess: (looking slightly worried) Ok, chop chop. Next kid!  
(Raoul comes running in wearing a really tacky holiday sweater. He takes a flying leap and lands on Erik's lap)  
Erik: OOF! Aren't you a little OLD to be visiting Santa?  
Raoul: No! I want a pony, and a new suit, and...  
Erik: (muttering) A functional brain?  
Raoul: Huh?  
Phantomess: (giggles) Oh this is too precious! I smell blackmail! (snaps picture)  
Erik: PHANTOMESS!  
Phantomess: Oh man! This has GOT to be worth beucoup bucks on Ebay! (evil grin)  
Raoul: What's going on? Who's Phantomess? Wait a minute....I'M IN A PHANPHIC! (runs off screaming)  
Phantomess: Wait! You forgot the poisoned fruitcake I baked you! Aw nutbunnies!  
Erik: This is going to be a REALLY long day.  
Phantomess: Just a few more hours.... (shows in the next kid, a cute little girl in a pretty new holiday dress)  
Little Girl: Hiya Santa.  
Phantomess: Awwww. Isn't she cute?  
Erik: (Flatly) Darling. What do you want for Christmas?  
Little Girl: My name is Suzy, an' I want a pink kitty, a teddy bear, an' a Blood 'n Guts Super Gorey Game for my PC!  
Erik: (blinks) Isn't that a little violent for a little girl?  
Phantom: Actually, it's very educational. You'd be amazed how many internal organs you learn to identify in that game.  
Erik: And I thought MY mind was warped!  
Phantomess: Welcome to Generation X. All hail desensitization.  
Erik: I'll see what I can do, kid. Here's a candy cane. Merry Christmas.  
(Cute little girl prances off)  
Phantomess: Allright. Next victe--I mean, kid.  
(A chubby little boy walks in. Think Augustus Gloop from Willy Wonka)  
Erik: Allright. What do you want for Christmas?  
Chubby Kid: (plopping down on Erik's knee and munching a chocolate bar) Oh, I'm too old to believe in Santa. I just want the free candy cane. Besides, even if I did believe in Santa, I think he'd look better than you. You look anorexic.  
Erik: Here's the damn candy cane. Get out! (shoves the kid off his lap)  
Phantomess: Tsk-tsk. Santa doesn't swear.  
Erik: Bite me!  
Phantomess: (grinning at him) That an offer? Rrrowr. (winks)  
Erik: (mouth hangs open for a second, then he shouts) No! That is not an offer!  
Phantomess: (Putting hands up apologetically) Kidding! Only kidding...only kidding.  
Erik: I quit! (throws down Santa hat)  
Phantomess: Please! There's only one more kid in line! Please stay!  
Erik: No!  
Phantomess: Please?  
Erik: No!  
Phantomess: Pleeeese?  
Erik: No!  
Phantomess: Pweese? (puppy eyes)  
Erik: (glares at her and sighs) I hope you know how much I hate you!  
Phantomess: (grins and claps her hands) Aw, yer just sayin' that! (runs and grabs the last kid. The last kid is definately a welfare case, malnourished, bruised up, big eyes, homely as heck. All together now, awwww!)  
Homely Kid: Hello Santa. (pathetic cough)  
Erik: Who are you supposed to be? Tiny Tim? (grabs Santa hat off floor and sits down) Come here. (sets the kid on his lap) What do you want for Christmas?  
Homely Kid: I want everyone to be nice to everybody else, an' I want my mommy to be happy.  
Erik: (smiles a little) Don't you want anything else? (the kid shakes his head and hops down)  
Phantomess: Hold on a sec, kiddo. You forgot your candy cane. (grabs a cane from the sack and hands it to him) Merry Christmas.  
Erik: That's that last kid?  
Phantomess: Yup.  
Erik: Can we go home now?  
Phantomess: Mm-hm.  
Erik: Phantomess?  
Phantomess: Yeah?  
Erik: Merry Christmas.  
Phantomess: (smiles) Merry Christmas, Erik. 


End file.
